Recently I was talking to Mark, a friend of a friend from England, and we got onto one of my favourite topics: the differences between the English and the Germans. 🙂
One thing he said was “Germans really like to argue, don’t they?” He went on to describe a meeting he’d attended where two German colleagues had had totally different opinions on the best way to proceed with the project and had argued vehemently and at length. Mark explained how uncomfortable he’d felt. He’d cringed as they came out with phrases like “I completely disagree”. To him they had sounded rude, disrespectful, aggressive.
So he was amazed to see them chatting and laughing together over a cup of coffee after the meeting. He told me: “If someone had spoken to me like that and torn my ideas to pieces in front of the whole team, I wouldn’t want to drink coffee with him immediately afterwards.”
How much confrontation is appropriate?
I’m not sure whether Germans actually enjoy arguing, but they – like the French, Russians and Dutch, for example – tend to see disagreement as a positive thing, as the way to find the best solution for a problem. In contrast, people from the UK are usually less comfortable with open confrontation and may well feel that someone is attacking them as a person, rather than their viewpoint. And this is even more the case in many Asian countries where open disagreement leads to a loss of face.
So to ensure that your disagreement is taken in the constructive spirit you intended and leads to the results you’re hoping for, it’s important to think about how you deliver it.
Here are five things you can do to make your disagreement more acceptable for people from countries where confrontation is less appropriate.
1. Acknowledge the other person’s opinion
Instead of just saying that you disagree and then stating your opinion, start by acknowledging what the other person has just said. This shows you’ve listened and softens your disagreement a little. Use phrases like:
I understand what you’re saying but…
I see where you’re coming from, but…
I can see your point, but …
2. Express partial agreement
If there are some points which you do agree with, say so before you move on to your opinion. This stresses what you have in common and creates a mutual basis. Begin your statement with:
On the whole I agree with you, but …
I agree with what you said about xyz, but…
I think you’re right about xyz, but …
3. Say you are unsure or have doubts
Strictly speaking, the speaker probably isn’t unsure and doesn’t have any doubts. But this tactic is often used to avoid coming straight out with strong disagreement.
I’m not sure it works like that.
Hmm, I’m not sure whether that’s possible.
I wonder whether that’s the case.
4. Soften the disagreement
You can prepare the listener for a contradiction and soften the message a little by starting off with:
I’m sorry but …
I’m afraid …
It’s also usually a good idea to avoid upgraders – words like totally, completely, absolutely, extremely, really – when disagreeing, because these strength the message. Instead try using downgraders – e.g. slightly, a little, sort of – to soften what you say. Your message will still be received.
5. Avoid the negative words
Using positive language can also create a more constructive atmosphere. Have a look at these two examples to see the difference it makes:
Instead of saying: That’s a terrible idea try: I don’t think that’s such a good idea / I’m not sure that’s the best idea.
Instead of: I disagree with you say: Sorry, but I can’t agree with you there.
Putting it into practice
I wouldn’t expect all of these suggestions will appeal to you. But why not choose one or two approaches you feel comfortable with and try them out the next time you need to disagree with an English colleague, for example?
Let me know how you get on.
